I feel nostalgic and full of wonder as I reread our last official correspondence. Nearly nothing has changed from the content of it, being nearly a year ago though it was. 2011 also passed quite feverishly and abruptly, without any serious loss of life or limb. Hence my wonderful state of curiosity - is it that for you everything has changed or also not a thing? I know you've loved and unloved and loved again... but what of that love now? I hope it has changed for the best.
I'm on the brink of renewing my lease at the lofts so it's going to be another super-safe year in a maximum security state-of-the-art art loft warehouse with no direct sunlight in the interior units - chances of getting a unit with windows being less than favorable. I miss the sunlight. The skylight has great diffused sunlight... but certainly the lack of direct UV does something to your home life & your demeanor. Similarly, I miss the sunlight of your face and spirit to warm my eyes and experience.
My distance from you has grown ever wider as the days drift on in a slow, but steady and mechanical current. My days are routine enough and I have plenty to fill the time, avoid the worry and maintain a strong and steady pace. But I get lonely more than anyone knows and that makes it even more lonely.
I often long to speak to you, just to hear your voice and be able to say whatever it is I need to say. Occasionally I have called you, just right when I needed to so I could say those things. It was the random call from a 504 number you didn't recognize and of course I wouldn't leave a message without knowing for certain it was still your number. I feel so much farther from you than ever before as well. I often feel lost without your loyal and understanding listening ear. There is truly no one else like you in my life. The time and distance bring a sincerity to our words and a fondness to our hearts. I can't help but think your involvement or lack thereof may have a lot to do with your emotional ties to a mister So & So.
More and more recently, it feels like intimate relationships are taking the most important people in my life away from me. It's only natural that being in a relationship requires a bigger emotional and time commitments. As a result friendships are given less focus -- this is understandable. But something about them ....
I fear I have become completely cynical of relationships. I've seen the way they consume lives and change individuals. I don't trust them. They are bad news either in their crippling or undermining of the individual impetus and personality.
Am I just bitter and sad about my lack of a successful hunt? You said so yourself, love makes you a fool. While being foolish and in love you can rise to new levels and go beyond what you could be on your own, it also (further) distorts your perceptions and blinds you to your own infinite and inexhaustible potential. It is unstable as you have noted. Once you felt fear of it and now you want it more than ever. Albeit with someone else entirely, it is still what you eluded and then found yourself longing for.
I'm watching everyone around me cling to someone else for their own individual reasons, but I feel far too many are for all the wrong reasons. This prevents people from learning how to fend for themselves and "rough" it, so to speak. These people come to depend on being in relationships for their well-being. I often see these individuals at a disadvantage; they are weak and lost without their counterpart.
I often don't approve and it becomes a struggle between life or love. Being aligned with the former - as a part of friends' lives - I find myself left standing alone in a hypothetical bar full of happy, weak, self-deluded couples. Coupled with my own experience of being in relationships - generally being some sort of awkward trouble to sort out, in the long run... tears and life plans reconsideration - it seems an awful sordid mess with what it has become. I fear it is the dark energy that's driving everyone apart.
We should not go so long without words. It affects me most terribly.
Next time you should answer the phone.
Lonely & Bitter
